The miscarriage in May was life altering. Never in my life have I felt so lonely and lost. I still have these days where I feel completely raw and broken. I often wonder if I will ever feel whole again. One day. In heaven. Probably not here.
We are in the middle of our 8th cycle. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm hopeful. I'm terrified. I'm excited. I'm numb. I'm certain. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm happy. I'm jealous. I'm grateful.This is such a roller coaster. Never in my life could I have imagined experiencing this incredible amount of emotions. This road is rough. You don't think it will be, and for some people it isn't at all. Some people don't walk this path. They don't stumble on this road. They move smoothly through this portion. They never know this pain. I envy them. I know I shouldn't. This is my path to walk, and I will be all the better for it. But I still envy them. What an amazing thing it would be to just fall pregnant. I often wonder what that would feel like. To not ever really have to worry or think about it. It would just happen. That'd be nice, but that's not my road.
My road, it's rough. It's full of bumps and potholes and detours and wrong ways and dead ends. It's long, but not as long as others. But this road? This road will make me grateful. This road is full of prayer. This road is long, but at the end? At the end there is something beautiful waiting. Some day we'll make it there. Some day all of this pain and grief and struggle will be worth it. I will be grateful for every second of it, because at the end of it all there will be a beautiful little miracle. A complete blessing. Given to us solely by the Grace of God.
And so we will walk this road. We will wait. We will be faithful. We will feel this pain and endure these hardships, because some day we will rejoice in them. That they have brought us a beautiful baby, and we will be all the more thankful for it.
9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. 10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
1 Samuel 1:9-11
