The miscarriage in May was life altering. Never in my life have I felt so lonely and lost. I still have these days where I feel completely raw and broken. I often wonder if I will ever feel whole again. One day. In heaven. Probably not here.
We are in the middle of our 8th cycle. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm hopeful. I'm terrified. I'm excited. I'm numb. I'm certain. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm happy. I'm jealous. I'm grateful.This is such a roller coaster. Never in my life could I have imagined experiencing this incredible amount of emotions. This road is rough. You don't think it will be, and for some people it isn't at all. Some people don't walk this path. They don't stumble on this road. They move smoothly through this portion. They never know this pain. I envy them. I know I shouldn't. This is my path to walk, and I will be all the better for it. But I still envy them. What an amazing thing it would be to just fall pregnant. I often wonder what that would feel like. To not ever really have to worry or think about it. It would just happen. That'd be nice, but that's not my road.
My road, it's rough. It's full of bumps and potholes and detours and wrong ways and dead ends. It's long, but not as long as others. But this road? This road will make me grateful. This road is full of prayer. This road is long, but at the end? At the end there is something beautiful waiting. Some day we'll make it there. Some day all of this pain and grief and struggle will be worth it. I will be grateful for every second of it, because at the end of it all there will be a beautiful little miracle. A complete blessing. Given to us solely by the Grace of God.
And so we will walk this road. We will wait. We will be faithful. We will feel this pain and endure these hardships, because some day we will rejoice in them. That they have brought us a beautiful baby, and we will be all the more thankful for it.
9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. 10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
1 Samuel 1:9-11
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Monday, August 12, 2013
The gift of fragility? For real, God?
I struggle with what I deem weakness. I cry. I cry about just about everything and I have the tenderest of tender hearts. Everything hurts me. My feelings get hurt so easily is unbelievable. I have often found myself praying for God to make my heart harder. Or thinking that God is putting me through a difficult situation to help me get over this weakness of mine. To help strengthen my fragile little soul.
Until today.
I've started a new devotional, and the subject of the devotional for today spoke to my "fragile" spirit. This morning I missed my devotional time because I was called into work early (this is a massive excuse, but lets go with it for now). So, tonight I sat down to read and pray and draw. I read the entry and was struck by just how perfectly God has made me. It's sad that I have ever doubted why God would create a heart like mine. It's sad that it has taken 27 years for me to realize the gift that God has given me. Mind you, there will still be days where I curse my tender little heart, but today I rejoice in it. God does not despise what I deem to be my weakness. On the contrary, He rejoices in it because my soft and gentle spirit is to the benefit of others. God has gifted me with this tender heart so that in my most difficult times (which are fairly frequent when you are tender hearted) I am drawn closer to Him than I would be if I sailed through life.
So, while I am a sobbing mess over what most would deem silly things, I will begin to rest in the knowledge that while my heart and soul are delicate, they glow with a brilliant light that will continue to grow brighter in the presence of God. When my feelings are hurt over something seemingly small, I will remember that God is providing me with an opportunity to grow into my gentle spirit.
Some day I will feel comfortable in this space that seems so very fragile. Some day the fragility of it will be recognized as a gift, and not a curse.
Until today.
I've started a new devotional, and the subject of the devotional for today spoke to my "fragile" spirit. This morning I missed my devotional time because I was called into work early (this is a massive excuse, but lets go with it for now). So, tonight I sat down to read and pray and draw. I read the entry and was struck by just how perfectly God has made me. It's sad that I have ever doubted why God would create a heart like mine. It's sad that it has taken 27 years for me to realize the gift that God has given me. Mind you, there will still be days where I curse my tender little heart, but today I rejoice in it. God does not despise what I deem to be my weakness. On the contrary, He rejoices in it because my soft and gentle spirit is to the benefit of others. God has gifted me with this tender heart so that in my most difficult times (which are fairly frequent when you are tender hearted) I am drawn closer to Him than I would be if I sailed through life.
So, while I am a sobbing mess over what most would deem silly things, I will begin to rest in the knowledge that while my heart and soul are delicate, they glow with a brilliant light that will continue to grow brighter in the presence of God. When my feelings are hurt over something seemingly small, I will remember that God is providing me with an opportunity to grow into my gentle spirit.
Some day I will feel comfortable in this space that seems so very fragile. Some day the fragility of it will be recognized as a gift, and not a curse.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)